Little Bird

At last the bird is finished! For some reason, this piece just struggled into being....the top layer of wax melted off lots of pen detail; I could not get the font or materials right for the lettering; I've revisited this piece numerous times....but persistance has led to completion ...I am now pleased with this piece, and pleased that I saw the process through, rather than give up. It reads "why not fly free little bird". The theme behind this is based on my recent musings on how we perhaps have more scope for freedom in our lives than we realise/ believe/ hope for. However, the awareness of such possibilities may be likened to a caged bird who' s door is left open - if you've seen a bird who's been caged some time then you might have seen this - they don't want to fly out. There is all that space beyond their cage, but they seem to just sit on their perch and are reluctant to leave, even with coaxing. I wonder if we start to feel comfortable about our potential for freedom if the metaphorical door stays open long enough....do we stay put hoping the door will shut and make things safe again...do we wait for a hand to come in and help us out...do we just one day suddenly take off....how do we even know the door is open - i guess we need to be able to recognise that door to even have such choices and know when it is open for us....

Poetry and Art

Sitting alone on the porch

the surrounding winds howl

echoing the empty turbine of my soul.

I rock in the chair to comfort myself,

to ease the pain of the hurricane in my heart,

hoping that as the storm passes a new calm will emerge.

The harder I rock the more i believe.

Void

Messy Studio - Messy Emotions

I thought I'd upload a picture of my studio as it is today - mess and all.

Sitting in this mess made me think about when my friend Rach came round to see me once... we went up to my studio and it was all messy, for which I apologised. She said she liked to see it messy cause it showed something creative had been going on. Today I've been wondering if emotions are the same...when we're feeling all messy inside is it part of the creative change within us? Do we need a mess in order to create something new within us, a bit like that well-known phrase about chaos birthing a star? If we endeavour to keep our emotions too tidy does it restrict and constrain our growth and potential for future play? I had to cancel a big holiday today. A holiday that involved seeing a special friend who has moved out to LA. And I cancelled as I had to be honest with how I feel...it doesn't feel right to go - the trip feels like a challenge rather than a rest, like a test rather than a treat. I so wanted to push on past these emotions, past my fear of being on the plane and feeling trapped. To do what i normally do and push myself along with life no matter how i feel about things. I want to feel all tidy and have the holiday of a lifetime and see my friends. But, I feel all messy inside and my messy messy emotions means it feel all wrong, even though the tidy part of me, the show home part of me, wants to go so noone knows about the mess i really sometimes live in. Maybe I've been feeling like this for a while... i recently finshed this... It reads "Light emerges after darkness to illuminate the self", and at the minute I'm doing this...

it's going to read something like ... "why don't you fly free little bird when your cage door is open?"

Debbie, I am sorry.

Tour Continued

Well, i am post crazy this weekend...I've just got time on my hands, so at last thought i'd continue the tour of my home for any remotely interested people (personally, I love a good nose!). Today the front room...

Our house was built in 1908 and so this would have been the more formal room where things 'for best' would be kept. My great nan had a front room 'for best' and really the only person who got hosted in there was the doctor if he did a home visit! Me and my brother were allowed occasional peaks in this room, but definately not allowed to touch! I guess i've kept this theme in a way - the back dining room is where we tend to doss most of the time and then this room is used mainly for night time TV viewing or after meal chatting with friends. It's COZY when the fire is on - me and my husband also made sure we had two setees this time, as in the past many an argument ensued about who got to lay on the sofa and who got crushed up on the chair. The great thing about these posts is they don't show up the dust...great!

Feeling alone

A strong realisation for me this past week has been acknowledging that I am feeling lonely. And I realise that i've known this lonliness for some time, years really, but i haven't been able to make sense of it...but now I know, it's cause I've got noone to play with. Yes i've got friends, including my husband Paul, and yes I can share some of myself with these friends. But I am only just starting to see there is a part of me, probably the biggest part of me that has a lot of creative energy buzzing around inside. I was always doing imaginative play as a kid - loved creative story writing at school - and really, the only time I enjoy my time at work is when i have chance to think and be creative-a rare thing amongst the daily admin and beaurocracy and tasks that need doing. I can see now that for the past year or two i have retreated into myself - I am not that often in touch with most of my friends, only a couple, and these past few months find me doing my art alone, reading alone, shopping alone, largely being alone. I am starting to wonder if some of the frustrated tears that come and go are linked to the frustration of having had no connection with my own creativity or that of others. I need to meet like-minded souls. I am an ideologist; believe in dreams; hope in possiblity; crave learning and development; feel constricted by too many rules and boundaries and shoulds and musts; love philosophising; having good humour; love generating and sharing ideas to make a moment or the world better; love eating and drinking; love questioning, like a three year old I am always asking but why?; am not afraid to question;am emotional and just a bit neurotic.... but where are like-minded souls to be found? I have joined some online groups which help a little but i need to meet people in the flesh, hear their stories. I want to find people who are further on the creative, spiritual path than me who can inspire me, challenge me, show me and guide me...inspired by all these feelings came this... who will hold my hand?

so, if you are out there I am waiting to meet you, to go for coffee, to have a large glass of red, to share stories of the soul and of creativity. I can listen real well, can you listen to me too? I can support and be there for you, the real you, can you support and be there for me, the real me too? I am waiting....Is it because so many of us are distracted by life, it's hard to find those who are concerned with/ have time for their 'inner life'. So many of my friends are occupied with their children and work and stuff..I don't know...so i did this...

It reads "looking at all of the shimmering lights can surpress the bright light inside ourselves which will lie in silent in the wait to emerge"

the flop of expectation

Today (and yesterday) I have a painful back from some kind of muscle trouble and so in the spirit of easing my pain I decided to make some brownies...even though a past post shows that the calorific dangers of brownie making are known to me. However, something inside told me to do it and i thought i could post a picture of them like I have seen others do... neat little pieces in an artsy shot. . well, here they are ...

What? anticipation, greed I dunno it took over - even though my knife test showed me it wasn't ready I took it out thinking it'd finish cooking on the cooling plate (It made sense in my head at the time) but no, the top flopped off. So it got me thinking...

1) it's a little life lesson for me - in my keeness to get things done and finish a task I always rush the process and then things just don't turn out how i expect. I need to be patient and believe the process is cooking up something wonderful without my inteference - i contribute by starting the process (making sure all the ingredients are in place), by having the patience to wait but also being alert too (for checking if things are looking ok)

2) I thought about not posting a picture of my brownies as they weren't the neat pieces I had envisaged - my expectation was disappointed - but do you know what they taste as good as they would neat. I guess we all want to portray the best parts of ourselves, our lives - the things that work out, the things that look great, maybe so we get a few admiring glances? Maybe so others envy us - so we don't feel inferior, so we feel the best - who knows...But sometimes my brownies will work and sometimes they won't, and that's life...for all of us. Who would have thought brownies could have so much to teach us?

3) everything is in perspective today as i am reading this. Oh my god, how awful would this life have been. The mere glimpses of what happened, well ...I am only at the beginning and so not sure what I will take from this book in the end, but today at least it has taught me perspective, that my back pain is a slight trouble that will pass and my brownie, well my goodness I am just grateful to have the liberty in my life to spend time baking something that tastes wonderful in my safe and warm home.

oh and ahh...i wanted to post this...he stinks, he's scruffy..no not my husband although he fits the bill...Dillon dog...look at the bed head, well he is a teenager in doggy years after all - please note that carpet is not my choice...apologies if you have a carpet like this from choice, it's just not my cup of tea.

Where does time go?

I can not believe it has been soooo long since I have posted. I guess time has passed quickly as lots of things have been happening. It was my mum's 60th birthday and me and my family went away for a long weekend to Tetbury, a lovely Gloucestershire town...overall, we had a really nice time with some great shopping done in Cirencester!I bought a new painting which is now proudly hanging in my bathroom - will post this room soon as my home tour has stopped short hasn't it?..you will then be able to see this piece 'in situ'.

It is impossible for me to believe that my mum is 60, that my husband is 40, that I am 37 - where did that time go from when i was 7? How can it be that it's 20...20 years since I was 17? I can get really taken up with thoughts like this - they don't get me any where, but I'm often thinking things like 'what have i been doing for 20 years?'... ' what could i/ should I have been doin for the last 20 years'.... 'in the same time again I'll be nearly 60, oh my god quick what do i want to do/be?'...then i feel stuck in inertia cause I don't know, then I worry I'm wasting my life away... I feel pressure to do all these things in my life but then can feel so content just sitting on my sofa doing nothing in particular. Weird.

I have at least been spending some enjoyable time doing another online class with Jane DesRosier about texture...the doll class has been on the back burner as I've got stuck into all the wonderful videos that they are sharing on texture- great!!! However, I've almost finished my first doll from her class...

ain't she cute?...just a little indecent with her panties showing! That's partly because i can't find the starch i need for her skirt over here in the UK... i've got a different one to see if it works. If not it will be another internet search, which is dangerous ...first cause i can deviate on a bit of a shopping spree and, as I often use paypal it feels like everything is free :-), until statements arrive :-o...
Here is my first attempt at a dolly of my own design...

I've also done some more canvases...dolls distract me from canvases and vice versa....This canvas reflects my feelings on the kind of change we experience in life that i can only call a spiritual awakening/ knowing; a creative awakening/ knowing...how these moments can make us fragile from all the stretching and growing pains that come with this, and of how we need care, not only from others but also from ourselves....

Transformation

And another piece reflecting where I'm at is this ...

Facing Back

I'm really pleased with this...it reflects my feelings on looking back...when did I last really know myself...know myself best? Have I ever...like, really known myself..? I don't know, I think this is my favourite piece i've done so far, something about it...I love the colours, the sentiment...

Then, most recent a canvas inspired by the credit card technique learnt on the texture workshops. The white text on the right reads

"Your soul softly sings to you...listen...listen...like the wings of the birds it can carry you way...to freedom...to true, eternal love...to joy...to hope and comfort...to peace...to your truest self...listen...".

It's my biggest canvas to date at 31.5 x11.5" and it was a bit of a challenge doing a compostion for these measurements. Here's a bit of a close up

Click on the logo link in my sidebar if you want to check out the texture or doll workshop...they are both great value for money ...I've learnt a lot. Jane's is one of my favourite blogs, even though i can't get it to appear in my list :-( . Through these sites I've also discovered another lovely blog by mystele...I love her folk art inspired work and although she is new to me she is a new favourite to follow...have a look