They say patience is a virtue and i used to practice this whenever i could/ remembered to...you know, trying not to get annoyed with the frail couple pottering along and blocking the pavement...listening to a person repeat the same story over and over with a kind and interested heart as i know it's important to them, and know i need to do this sometimes...trying to deal with annoying incidents without losing my cool... However, i feel like i am being challenged to endure...experience... a new kind of patience. I sit and wait and hope and trust that i will find my path in life. I have always felt a frustration, a desire to live an authentic life and, importantly, to be of service as i am meant to be...to reach my potentials and thrive. However, I feel like i am currently in a kind of suspension...no place to go, no direction, no drive. I have my thoughts about what i think my path might be, but there are subtle shifts and changes...and i am trying to wait, to trust and do all the things all the books i've read suggest. It goes against the grain however....the logical workings of my socially developed mind...how will anything emerge in the abscence of my doing...how will i get to where i want to be if i do not know how or where to begin? Maybe i should begin with x or y...maybe this...maybe that...and it's agitating. So, I am trying to practice patience...real deep patience where i let go of the reigns for a bit, where i just try and remain calm and hopeful. It makes me see that this kind of patience is alien to me....i think about something i want to do then i go about making it happen to the best of my ability...I act and do and pursue with my mind...for sure i can be lazy, and sitting around is not a problem to me, but it is sitting around as a conscious decision to wait and see what i feel...to make space...that's difficult. I am waiting to act and do with my heart...and it's not telling me anything. Sometimes i doubt it will ever tell me anything, but then i remind myself of this page i did a couple of weeks ago.
My mind seems to operate and talk to me at the speed of a hare but my heart seems to operate at that of a tortoise...there's just no rushing it...maybe it needs time to catch up as it's never been given much opportunity to work before - my mind was my king. Or maybe i need to slow down and realise there is another pace in life...a more relaxed, less urgent heart-felt way to be...
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